Not all ER stories are death and tragedy. Some are pretty damn funny. This is one of them. (Of course any names or locations are always changed).
I was of course working the night shift, as I did for so many years. That night, I was working with some of my very favorite nurses and doctors. No matter how bad things got, these people always made the job worth it.
A man arrived via EMS, covered in blood, and smelling of alcohol.(Like so many patients on the night shift often did). He was alert, but very drunk, loud and super pissed off. The patient was brought to one of my rooms, and I began the triage process. I asked him to tell me his story while I examined him and charted all that I found.
This is his story.
“Well, ma’am. I was minding my own business when a man beat my head with a chicken.”
“Sir, you were hit in the head with a chicken? Did you lose consciousness, were you knocked out?” I said, exuding professionalism in the face of complete and utter absurdity.
“Ya, I think I was. He hit me real hard with that chicken. I think I have bits of it stuck in my head! I got blood all over the place!” He exclaimed, indignant.
Looking at his head, and scalp I could see minor lacerations, and abrasions. Nothing that would require sutures, and yes, he did have blood all over the place. No feathers, nothing that looked like “chicken pieces”, what ever the hell that would look like.
“A chicken you say, where on earth were you that a man was able to hit you in the head with a chicken? How does one wield a chicken as a weapon? Were you outside?” I asked, seriously wondering what in the world this guy was talking about.
“It was one of them ceramic chickens, ma’am.” He said, as though it was an obvious answer.
“Of course it was. OK, well that makes a bit more sense to me. Now, again, were you knocked out? Do you remember the entire event? When was your last tetanus shot?” Back to triaging the injured man.
“Yep, I am sure of it. He knocked me out with that damn chicken. Hit me real hard on the head. And come to think of it, I think I will be needing some of them dental molds done too!” He yelled.
I began to examine his jaw, and had him show me his teeth. I tried to determine if his bite was intact, however, his mouth was very bloody, and he had several teeth missing. It was hard to tell if this was new, or his normal state of affairs. He didn’t want to discuss his dentition.
I made sure he was safely on the stretcher, and left the room to go give a more personal report regarding the patient to the doctor. He continued to yell and rant about the need for dental molds as I left.
“Sir, we have a very drunk male who reports that he was assaulted with a ceramic chicken in room 11. He has several small lacs and some abrasions on his scalp. Nothing appears to need suturing. His mouth is full of blood, and I am unable to determine if he has new tooth loss, or just a bloody mouth. No other obvious injuries noted. The patient does not know when he last had a TD shot. He reports a positive loss of consciousness. His speech is slurry, probably related to the alcohol, but could be from the head trauma. Should we get a CT scan to check his noggin?” “Oh, and FYI. he would like some dental molds done.”
“What the fuck?” A common response from many providers when they hear that their patient has been beaten with a ceramic fowl.
The doctor and I walked back into the patient room, and my pod partner was back from taking her patient upstairs, so she joined us as well.
The patient was asleep, but became agitated when we woke him up to see the doctor.
He continued on his rant about needing dental molds. We do not do dental molds in the ED setting, where on earth this guy came up with this is anyone’s guess.
Finally, after the doctor did his exam, with all the coolness and calmness of a TV drama doctor, he said, “Nurse, get the dental molds please.”
My partner and I said “Yes, doctor” in unison and rushed out of the exam room, neither of us having the slightest idea what the hell he was talking about.
We went to the nurse’s/doctor’s area and stood there, laughing at the silliness of it all. Then tried to think of what we could bring him that would be like a dental mold.
We settled on the Play-Doh that we found in the children’s cabinet. It holds several small toys and things to entertain kids that are in the ER.
We calmly walked back to the exam room and proceeded to hand the doctor the “dental mold” material.
“Yes, yes. Very good.” he said, so seriously. We were dying inside, trying not to laugh.
“Sir, I need you to wake up. I need to take dental molds.” The doctor said, ever so seriously.
“Oh thank the Lord! Someone finally understands!” Yelled the very drunk man, who still had not explained why he thought dental molds were needed.
Our dear doctor had the patient bite down and hold several times on this piece of blue Play-Doh. Never once cracking a smile, serious as a heart attack. My partner and I could barely contain ourselves!
When he was finished he said, ” Nurse, I need this sent to the lab, STAT!”
“Of course Doctor! I am on it!” I said, trying not to smile and let the laughter come pouring out.
Once the doctor came out of the room, my pod partner and I lost control and laughed so hard. The doctor only smiled his wonderful smile. He was always so cool and collected, and so damn funny in a very sly way. He was and still is my absolute favorite doctor that I have ever worked with. So very smart, talented, very professional when necessary, but knew how to have fun when it was not going to cause any harm.
Later, after the patient had had his CT scan(nothing broken, no brain bleeding) and he was sleeping the sleep of the very drunk, the police arrived.
According to the police, it turned out that yes, he was hit in the head multiple times with a ceramic chicken. The patient had tried to break into someone’s home and got caught in the window. The home owner hit the would be burglar with the first thing he could find, the decorative ceramic chicken. The patient also bit the home owner a few times as he was trying to break free from the window and avoid getting conked on the head again. So much for the “I was minding my own business” version of the story the patient told me. The patient denied biting the home owner, and that is why he was asking for dental molds to “prove he was innocent.”
I can’t make this shit up.
”
Always remember from Scrubs the golden rule – patients always lie. A funny tale. I bet you have hundreds of them!
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There are always multiple versions of the story. The story they tell triage, the story they tell their nurse, then the story they tell the doctor. You have to put all the stories together to get a full story.
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Yep – a bit like being a detective!
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LMAO
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Hilarious! My daughter starts nursing school in a few weeks–I’m forwarding this to her. Thanks for the laugh to start my Tuesday!
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Glad you enjoyed it!
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i love the ED… j
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Goodness. I suppose it’s good he was hit with it and you didn’t need to extract it.
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Very, very true. Oh the many things that I have seen extracted……
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Now there’s s series of posts. Just don’t add pictures….
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Ha ha ha!!!! That’s hilarious! Having my man who’s a paramendic/firefighter and a mother in law who’s a nurse, I’ve heard some doozies!! This one was definitely towards the top! 😂😂
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Foul play and a story as rare as hen’s teeth. Hilarious 😂
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LOL, thanks!
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Brilliant
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Thank you!
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I always love your ER stories. Glad you had time to write while you were at the lake!
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Thank you! It’s been too hot to do much else than swim and lay about.
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Lol this is hilarious! I love that you all managed to convince him about the play-doh dental molds!! ❤
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He was SO drunk.
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I wonder if he was already drunk when he attempted to rob them!? He must have been (I mean, you wouldn’t go and start drinking after a chicken attack!)
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Oh I am sure he was well on his way when he decided to climb in through that window. Lol.
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I bet you could write many books about your experiences in ER,Cherie. This one certainly brought a smile to my face and I’m sure these examples bring some relief to you working in the ER when there are real emergencies to handle. Thanks for being part of the #MLSTL community.
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Yes! There was so much trauma, and sadness so when we had the chance to laugh(and still care for the patient) we often took the chance. How else could a person survive in that environment?
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That story was a classic Cherie and I bet you have dozens more – you could be blogging about your times in ED for the next decade! And drunk logic is always a complete mystery to me too.
#MLSTL
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Thank you!!
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I wonder if it was a full-moon? I used to pick up crisis reports each morning from the ER and the night before if a full-moon someone would be saying “this could be bad”.
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Every night in the ER is like a full moon night, or so it felt like while I worked there.
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Such a fun story, and I love that doctor, too ha! As a frequent ER visitor myself, medical personnels and stories like these make me smile!
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It made the night fun. We were still able to care for him properly and be able to smile and laugh.
Thanks for stopping by!!
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Yea there are unreasonable and fun people on both sides of the fence! Am glad you had fun, the guy sounded unreasonable to begin with!
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Oh this gave me the giggles this morning. Thank you for the laughs. No you just couldn’t make it up!! #MSTL
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Thanks for stopping by. Glad you got to laugh!!!
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“I was minding my own business on someone else’s private property…”
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That is how all great ER stories start out!! Lol
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As nurses, we always have stories to tell. I never worked the ED but I did phone tirage and I think sometimes I heard it all.
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So true. I also did phone triage for a while too. The things they say. Oh boy.
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Ok, that was pretty damn funny! I could not have done the play-doh thing without laughing!
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It was really, really hard!
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I can imagine. I’ve had to keep a poker face when doing my April Fools jokes on my sons and that is nearly impossible!
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Read it again, laughed again! You have the patience of a saint!
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OMG! Too funny! Thanks for the chuckle!
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Thanks for reading!! Glad you got a laugh!!
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I know there was a lot wrong with his story—and likely with him and all the choices he’d made that led him to that day—but there’s one thing that keeps bugging me about his story. If he was, in fact, just minding his own business when this tosspot cracked him with a decorative farm bird, and he never bit the gentleman in question, how would he know to get the dental impressions to prove the bite wasn’t his?
I mean, if his story were true and he didn’t bite, then he’d have no way of knowing there was a lie going ’round about him biting someone, right?
I know, I know… one little detail in a pile of ridiculous, but my brain ferrets have latched on and there will be no peace until they get answers.
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Oh. There were so many falsehoods in his story. And it all happened while he was just minding his own business. That how it always happens. Lol
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He must’ve been so mad when you couldn’t provide his dental impression, lol
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I think he was so drunk that he probably forgot all about it. Or maybe he had other things to think about while he was in the jailhouse??
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That’s hysterical. You must have seen it all, working there. I’ve had 10 breast cancer surgeries and all the assorted scans and such that go with it plus taking care of my mother who died of dementia. Now she was a hoot! When the doctor said he was discharging her, she reached for her clothes, held up her bra and asked the male doctor if that was his bra? Human beings… we’re a strange lot. Brenda #MLSTL
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We are indeed a strange lot and it takes all of us to make up this crazy world. Thanks for stopping by!!
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Ha ha, you should definitely put your tales into a book – it would be a best seller 🙂
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Thanks. I am working on it. Just trying some of my stories out to see if people like them.
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One thing about working nights in an ER is that there are always lots of funny stories to tell at parties. I have lots of them about “foreign objects”
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Oh yes. It’s amazing the things that get stuck in so many interesting places. Those stories also start about with “I was just minding my own business “
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Reblogged this on Rock For Disability.
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This is absolutely hilarious!
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I believe you: Nobody could make that up.
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Aha…a story you will always remember Cherie 😉
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That’s for sure!
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Hilarious! Nicely done. ❤️🦋🌀🤣
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Oh for heaven’s sake! People are weird. (Often wonderful, but sometimes just plain weird, and criminal in this case!) Can’t believe I missed this when it was first published. A fun read on a cold day.
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Yes, people are strange. I have met more than my fair share of the strange, that is for sure.
Glad you enjoyed it!
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People are crazy! Once my friend and I were having beers and watching rugby on an Essex pub when an old guy explained to us how to cook chicken brick. We were more than tipsy and elated at an Irish win so we found this HILARIOUSLY funny.
I glad the dude in ER wasn’t hit with one of those- poultry, oil and cement 😁😁
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Yep, he was lucky. The ceramic chicken just shattered when it hit his head.
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I imagine you could write a book with ER stories!! Yes co-workers can make all the difference especially when in stressful workplaces.
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I had started to write just that. But, I have too much concern that some of the stories could be considered Protected health violations. So, I decided against the idea. When I have shared nursing stories, I have always changed details to avoid that issue.
I had some amazing coworkers!
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