Feeling Autumn

Posted on by thatblogwherecheriemovestogermany

We are moving into the Fall season whether I am ready or not.  It’s not that I don’t enjoy Autumn.  Really, what’s not to love? It’s a season to drink flavored coffees and teas, and a time to bake amazing goodies. Who doesn’t love a warm loaf of zucchini or pumpkin bread drizzled with fresh butter? Or the beautiful walks through the woods as the colorful leaves sparkle and the satisfying crunching as you walk through the fallen acorns, good stuff for sure.

But for me, it will always be a season of tremendous loss and sadness.  It always starts with the loss of the hot, sunny days spent at the lake,  then slowly moves into the loss of wearing tank tops , shorts and flip flops, then ends with the realization that my Mom has been gone for 8 years.

8 years.  How can that be?  Didn’t we just go on our trip to the ocean with the girls? It was sunny days, bathing suits, flips flops and trips for ice cream. The last great trip.  Then we had a sudden, unexpected diagnosis, and three months later, she was gone.

 

Then the spiral begins.  All the things that I have not been able to share with her.  The great escape from a terrible, dangerous marriage.  Picking up the pieces and building a new, safer, healthier life for myself and my girls.  The miraculous moment of meeting my now husband, Dirk.  Oh how she would have loved Dirk.  The struggles of going back to school , to further my education, again.  She never got to see the girls as they crossed the stage for graduation.  She never got to see Scotland or Germany.

Each day here in Germany reminds me of all the things I want to share with her.  All the things I have accomplished and those things that I still dream of doing.

So, today, I will think of the past and surround myself with memories of her.  It’s easy enough to do. Every time I pass a mirror, I see more and more of her face looking back at me, just as I see my younger face in the face of my daughter.

I just lost my glasses for almost 10 minutes. They were on my head.  Just like she used to do.

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41 thoughts on “Feeling Autumn”

      3. fekkin pain in the ass sometimes too lol! Luckily Luke just looks like his Granda, pity my poor sister, her son is actually my Dad reincarnated (he’s still alive) and absolutely tortures her. it’s hilarious

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  7. Aww Cherie, I am so sorry for your loss. This is the kind of thing that only dulls with time. It doesn’t take much to bring those feelings back to the surface.

    I’m sending you tons of virtual hugs.

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  8. Oh my. I can so relate to this post. Only with me, it’s my Dad, not my Mom (Who, thank god, is still with us.) But Fall, for me, means all the things you mention, but also means it’s my Mom’s birthday. Which gets me to think about how much longer I’ll have her (This year she’ll be 89). *sigh* Gonna go get me some more (non pumpkin-spiced) coffee now. xoxo

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  9. The loss of a loved one is traumatic. I thought I had finally turned a corner with my brother’s death of a blood clot. I tried to revive him. Then I heard how my friend’s son rescued her sister in time. She was diagnosed with an aneurysm. My thoughts went right back to that night. I started blaming myself all over again. Then my husband said, “Even if the first responders had come earlier, there’s nothing you can do once a clot is thrown. It goes straight to the heart. Too much death in my family over the last 5 years.
    But it’s the first day of fall. The sun is shining. My husband and I will hike. My mom is coming for a visit next week. Gotta focus on life!

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  10. Maybe we can twist this like I do for the missing of Dad. Autumn reminds you of your Mum, the one who fed you life, changed your nappy and held you safe. The Mum that told you to be strong and taught you kindness. The Mum that makes you the woman you are and the perent you measure yourself by. She left too soon for you but would there ever have been a better time, alas no. But your memories of fall should celebrate the joy of having had her once. Too many didn’t get to meet her, too many will never know what being your Mothers daughter felt like. You are lucky
    you keep those and a million more memories alive. Today you introduced me to the woman you miss and love. You keep her alive when you write or talk or just smile at things she said. Turn Autumn into the time to celebrate her. A lovely post I hope I at least did not make you feel worse; any luck I helped you see it different.

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  11. That was lovely. My mom has been gone 9 years and I still have things I want to share with her or think mom would enjoy this or that. I think it is a privilege we had that relationship with our moms that we still think oh yeah she would/could/should have done that.

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  18. Pingback: Mom Stories – From Michigan to Germany

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Published by thatblogwherecheriemovestogermany

Born in the United States, living in Germany, telling stories about my adventures.